Mercedes & Kitty Kat

Don’t volunteer with cats if you’re allergic.

I repeat, differently: If you are allergic to cats do not volunteer with them.

En espanol: No voluntario con los gatos si usted alergico a ellos.

Obvious?  You’d think so, but I had occasion to test this.  Here’s what happened…

I set up a volunteer activity with one of the most helpful* volunteer groups of all time – Heaven on Earth Animal Sanctuary.  They have a small house in Van Nuys, which they’ve turned into a cat sanctuary. No, they’re not hoarding. Yes, they have about a hundred cats. Sure, it’s a little cramped in such a small house. But they keep it clean. As possible. Okay look – SOMEONE BUILD THEM A NEW HOUSE PLEASE!!!

Anywho – So I’m suppose to be a volunteering muse of sorts and introduce people to the joys of volunteering.  My friend Mercedes aka super hot Venezuelan/American Actress/Model asked me if she could tag along on an adventure. I’m like, “Hell yeah! Can I take pictures?”

I call Heaven on Earth and arrange a day to come out and help them. On said day Mercedes and I show up dressed to work, step into the house, and her sinuses explode. Everywhere. Within minutes. The first major symptom was her gorgeous bikini calendar eyes get watery.  Now the house is fragrant but still. Minutes later she’s sniffing.  By the time we get to the orientation, which only lasts 5 minutes, she sounds like she has the flu. Finally, while getting the brief tour of all the rooms I turn to her,

“’Cedes are you having an allergic reaction to the cats?”

“I guess so! I didn’t think I was allergic! I’ve been around cats before.”

Cleaning Cat Cage. yeah...

Holy Hell! We have 3 more hours in a 100 cat 2 bedroom. WTF. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not Mercedes fault, but at this point I’m screwed. Unlike other times I volunteer I actually gave them a heads up that I was coming and asked if I could film.  How am I suppose to film when my super hot Venezuelan model eye candy is about to combust?

Luckily, Mercedes is a good sport and more tenacious than she appears.  Some quick maneuvering and she and I were cleaning cat cages outside.  Not as bad as it sounds. We just didn’t get to play with the cats… AND I didn’t get Mercedes being supermodel like pics. Will have to deal with Mercedes looking ridiculously good in glasses and sweats. (Hate her. Secretly. So jealous.)

Afterwards I treated Mercedes to a half gallon of gelato from Pazzo and watched her perk right up.

The morals of this story 1) check allergies and even just comfort level of volunteers before you plunge them into a house full of cats… or anything… I mean even tree planting… people can be afraid of trees. 2) Heaven on Earth rocks because they are a no kill shelter that houses older cats. 3) Always be prepared to bribe with ungodly amounts of gelato.

Mercedes the Cat

Also I did film a bit.  Will work on posting that.

*By helpful I mean they have bailed my butt out of cat jail more than a few times now. They have never said, “No we can’t help you.”  No other shelter can say that.  None. I don’t think they know how to say no.  Thank God.

Happy New Year!

Why is everyone so attracted to bad boys and girls? And how can I be bad while maintaining general wholesomeness?

I decided this would be best to answer during the holidays because of the naughty and nice tie in.  And if you type naughty enough your SEO goes off the chart – naughty naughty naughty naughty…

The answer (based on nothing but wit):

It’s not bad behavior that attracts us.  It’s the unattainable, the person or the behavior we would like to be, mimic, have – but cannot.

She drives a motorcycle.  He never calls. She has a bit of a substance issue. He’s a poet. She just doesn’t care.

All of the above represent the emotionally unavailable. I’m picking on poets and adrenaline junkies, but you get the idea.

It’s not the bad as much as the taboo or unapproachable behavior.

It’s difficult to describe the psychology since I have no training in the field, but for a more in depth explanation and an awesome read check out:

Robert Greene’s “The Art of Seduction”

So the answer to “How can one be bad while maintaining a general wholesomeness?” is simple.

Do what you want to do. Know what you like to do. If you’re satisfied with you’re life as is you’re not searching for others to fill it, which makes you appear, you guessed it, unattainable.  All kinds of badness.  Naughtiness. Naughty naughty.

Live dangerously if you want, but make sure your reckless behavior doesn’t hurt others (alcoholics and drug addicts I’m looking at you). Have some hobbies – It doesn’t hurt to like some things that seem risky – deep sea diving, sushi making, poetry slams, etc.

As far as wholesomeness…  I’ve been described as wholesome. I’ve also been described as bad because of the writer/actor thing so here’s my two cents:

I live by the creed “Do no harm,” but I also firmly believe that it’s a moral imperative to help those that you’re bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than.  This doesn’t give me a lot of people/things to help, but I do what I can.

I like to believe, TheGoodMuse helps counter the artistic stigma at times. It will also excuse my future purchase of a motorcycle and the occasional pair of “non-leather” leather pants.

Be good. Have fun.

Next Time TheGoodMuse Explains how to sell a 12 year old car that is on fire for well over Kelley Blue Book.

The Ladies Payne

Repaid Again! Re-loaned again. And just in time for Christmas.

I would never suggest that Kiva is more fun as a competition. Especially not a competition between family members. That would be tacky and defeat the purpose of being generous out of the goodness of your heart.

But… if, lets say, my family members and I were all making Kiva loans then… I would be ahead. By a lot. Maybe it’s because I do due diligence. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve learned to stick to the solid investment of used clothing – very little overhead.  Or maybe I’m just a better person than my brothers (almost proven). Whatever it is, in the spirit of the Holidays, I would just like to say – I’m winning.

Happy Holidays!

But ending “the tyranny of the 1%” is more about decisions we make every day versus donating or supporting a protest (which is taking donations by major credit cards?!?!).  Lifestyle choices like living in a smaller home, eating local and vegetarian, and conserving energy by buying second hand and trading items with friends all give the middle finger to Wall Street, Exxon, Shell, BP, ConAgra, Unilever, etc. etc.

Breaking it down:

Live in… Read Full Article on Celsias

Freezing for Furry Friends

Ladies and Gentleman, the following is an account of my weirdest volunteer activity as TheGoodMuse- yet.

I had never volunteered with PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), but then I got this email, which said something like…

Come take a shower in the middle of the LA Convention Center to promote water conservation by eating less meat.

Sold. You had me at public nudity.

In all seriousness, I’m a vegetarian. I have been since I was a teen.  It’s one of the best decisions I ever made for my health.  I also think it’s important for everyone to eat less meat (or no meat/fish) for the environment’s sake. Meat production pollutes more than all the vehicles on the road combined and our lust for fish is stripping the ocean bare. To say the least – I was game to support this cause.

And… the PETA shower campaign is mad genius.  People taking a shower in public wrapped in a curtain printed with the factoid: 1 lb. of meat = 6 months of showers. It stops traffic – it literally has stopped traffic on Hollywood and Highland in Los Angeles. As soon as I climbed into the shower, in a little white bikini that no one could see, foot traffic in front of the PETA booth stopped and the other volunteers were able to distribute info.  It was a riot, and I would do this activity again but…

That being said lets break down the problems.

Shower with a friend!

I was on a raised platform and the bar to the top of the shower was about five and a half feet off the ground.  I was told you couldn’t see over it.

You couldn’t see over it unless you were a male who was… oh… let’s say… about six feet tall, slightly perverted, not at all slick, shameless, and you stepped right up to the shower to ask me (with a head tilt and eyes down) why I had become a vegetarian. Lots of men meet all of these requirements.

Sir, I know what your doing. Not cool.

Also not appreciated… The guys who held their cameras aloft, arm fully extended up, to get the full shot.

I’m in a bikini you desperate, sad…

I would have preferred to do this volunteer activity with a male friend in the shower as well.  They could have acted as a bull sh*& shield.  Someone who could give creepy men scary looks.  I tried, but I’ve been told my “I will kick your ass” look is easily misinterpreted and not at all scary.

PETA should also make sure that there is a volunteer on hand big enough, and forceful enough, to bounce perverts.  I can’t believe this is needed, but I felt it was.

Now lets talk temp. The first 30 minutes I was fine, I knew the water was cold but it was like being a little kid at the ocean – too much fun to care about hypothermia. After 30 minutes – goose bumps. By the end of the hour I’m pretty sure the US Geological Survey was registering my body tremors. Oh it was sooooo cold. Ohhhh! I had to take a 45 minute hot shower at home to even begin to thaw. Maybe I get cold too easy.  I know volunteers have done this campaign in the snow. But I feel that both a volunteer’s health and safety should be the first priority of any organization.  They are volunteers. They are not being compensated in any other way besides happy feelings. Protect happy feelings.

All that being said I would recommend this volunteer experience to anyone of like mind.  It’s one of those once in a lifetime deals you definitely want to tell your grandkids about. You will walk away with killer stories. And I also highly recommend becoming a vegetarian. If not for the environment, or the animals, then do it for your health.

TheGoodMuse Thinks

After an in-depth investigation of male hostility towards Jane Austen and adoration of  all things thong we return this week to the focus of this blog and answer…

What is the lamest thing about volunteering? And how do we fix it.

Shockingly, the answer isn’t waking up early on a Saturday or Sunday, which is often on the top of my personal “I hate this about volunteering” list.  Why someone can’t schedule a beach cleanup from 5-8pm or right before sunset is beyond me.  It’s the prettiest time of day!

Back on topic -

The lamest thing about volunteering is when one non-profit unintentionally or intentionally hurts another non-profit.  It happens more often than anyone can imagine. I wrote about this in my most popular article of all time Naughty Non-Profits: 7 Eco Sins. Most often it’s a  group wrecking the environmental because of an oversight, but sometimes it’s a direct battle like the war between many feral cat associations and the Audubon Society.

The only example I will sight is from one of my latest volunteering adventures – walking a 10K for AIDS Walk LA.  It’s an incredible event which raised  over 3 million dollars to help those living with HIV and AIDS.  One of the best parts of the day was that all along the walk route there were volunteers handing out yummy snacks. I think I ate everything offered  - free ice cream (hello).  But the organizers of the event did not provided enough trash and recycling. Hundreds maybe thousands of  bottles littered the ground. I’m sure they had a clean up crew coming in behind us but still… The snacks themselves were in single size containers – an environmental blight.

So… The lamest thing about volunteering is often charities become so focused on their individual mission that they miss the big picture.  It’s about helping everyone and thus helping yourself, not helping yourself at the expense of everyone.

Next Time TheGoodMuse Will Answer the Question:

Why is everyone so attracted to bad boys and girls? And how can I be bad while maintaining general wholesomeness?

WeHo Cheer - the official Good Will Ambassadors of West Hollywood

If AIDS Walk LA (which raised over 3 million dollars to benefit people living with HIV) was a video game it would go something like this:

Your car zooms through the back street of West Hollywood and Beverly Hills avoiding the mass of traffic trying to get into free parking at the Beverly Center. Get into free parking (100 points). Park on the street (20 points).  Get a ticket (-100.)

You hop out of the car and remember your sunscreen, comfy shoes,  baseball hat, and camera (50 points). You jump out of your car as a fabulous drag queen (100 points).

Dodge 30,000 people to check in at the West Hollywood library and get your official button ( 100).

Listen to the celebrity speakers on the mainstage, understand them, and be able to twitter what they’re saying (100 points).

AIDS Walk LA!

Start walking 10k aka 6.2 miles down the largest streets in Los Angeles. Get free hugs and high fives from volunteers and cute nursing home residents along the way – total possible (500 points.)

Nursing Home Resident Offer Hugs & Support at AIDS Walk LA

Ignore angry ignorant protestors who still somehow don’t know how AIDS is transmitted (50 points).  If you engage (-200) and your sent backwards to Mordor for a level.

Reapply Sunscreen (50 points), Burn in the Heat (-100.)

Take pictures with the fabulousness that is WeHo Cheer  - the official West Hollywood Good Will Ambassadors (250 points).

Grab yummy free snacks and beverages from volunteers along the way – fresh orange juice (25 points), ice cream (-25).

Reward the guy with the single most brilliant idea in the whole race. He set up his own private recycling station a few blocks after free water and Gatorade were handed out. Toss your empty bottles in his baskets (10 points each) if your bottle ends up on the ground (-25) and a sea creature dies in another game.

Finish with more big hugs and drag queen pictures. (500 points!)

AIDS Walk Protestors aka Poorly Educated People

In Summary:

After my somewhat disastrous 5K, where I finished with an amazing time and then ended up sick the rest of the day, I was less than eager to do another race for charity, but this 10K walk was a breeze.

AIDS Walk LA benefits APLA a group dedicated to improving the lives of people living with HIV and reducing the spread of the disease.

Independent Minded Womenz

Why men* love thongs and hate Jane Austen?

Now I know I promised an answer to this almost universal truth and mind bender weeks ago.  Sorry.  I had to do some research and then I discovered it’s a long answer.  Again, sorry.

While quizzing males I got a variety of answers from “Because thongs are just awesome.” to “’Cause men are already romantic and shit so we don’t need Jane Austen.”

So I averaged the difference, carried the one and found the closest possible denominator – exposure.

In other words… Men love the female body, but like to keep the female mind a mystery.

Thongs (whether you, as a female, look best in them or not) expose the most skin possible while still wearing underwear. Jane Austen, and particularly Jane Austen movies, expose only slight amounts of décolletage.  AKA there is very little flesh in Jane Austen.

You're Welcome

In contrast thongs tell you very little about the state of a female’s mind or her personality.  I know judges and strippers who wear thongs – seemingly different mindset though both just.

But Jane Austen can tell you a lot about the female mind, and sexual politics (yes, even modern sexual politics). Without having read Jane many men like to believe Austen is simply about the stereotypical pursuit of a husband.  Yes, she uses matchmaking often as a plot point but most of the books are actually about maintaining independence and force of will though you were required by society to pair up.  The books were written during a time when a woman was completely defined by the man she married.  As a female in the Georgian era you faced the brutal choice (if you had a choice at all) of whether to keep your independence and name but face possible poverty, marry someone you didn’t love for security, or find a love match no matter the consequences (rare).  Many of Austen’s characters resist or are reluctant to marry, and in that we discover their dreams and aspirations – what they are and are not willing to give up.

For Jane Austen & BBC Fans

So in conclusion, heterosexual men love exposure of the female body but are uncomfortable with some of the clockwork of the female mind. Which = Thongs > Jane Austen in the male mind. It’s cool. I get it. Kinda. The unknown is scary.

Finally, I would like to add that I am completely and utterly biased.  I love Jane Austen.  I didn’t always love her.  In the 8^th grade I called Pride and Prejudice the most boring book ever composed.  But then one day I actually read it, read between the lines, and got the jokes. Jane is hilarious. One of the greatest comedy writers of all time. She was funny while making a case for our sex.

As for my opinion of thongs… Well… Some things are best left to the imagination.

*Defined as lots of straight men.  Many of my homosexual male friends have severe love for the Jane and asked to be distinguished from this group.

Next week we’ll address a more topical question for this blog:

What is the lamest thing about volunteering? And how do we fix it.

Sara and I with Trevor Project Survival Kits

“Suicide is the third leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds.”

Downer opening but, let’s face it, 15-24 is rough. For many of us it’s the worse time of our life.  Almost impossible. You get raging hormones, a new body, acne, and hair in random places. You want to experiment with stuff, learn what you are and are not capable of, but you’re still under the watchful eye of the ever present parentals. And then there are your classmates. I don’t know many adults who weren’t picked on to some extent.

Personally, I feared walking into the cafeteria so much during high school that I started eating lunch in the library with the librarian. I got a lot of reading done.

But, besides being female, I wasn’t in any minority or oppressed group. I can’t fathom…

“LGB youth are up to 4 times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers.”

Is it any wonder?  We tell them they can die for their country but they can’t tell us who they really are.  We tell them they can’t legally be with the person that they love, so sorry – no legal protection for you. In many countries lesbians, gays, and bisexuals are even butchered by the law. So, is it any wonder?

Sara with Baby Monkey!

That’s why I’m so honored I got to work with The Trevor Project on Labor Day weekend.

The Trevor Project’s goal is to stop suicide among young lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, or questioning youth, but anyone seeking help is welcome to call their 24/7 help line 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386) to talk to a counselor.

My friend Sara, who spent time in Africa rehabilitating monkeys (random amazing factoid – see pic), joined me and other volunteers from the group Century of Compassion. We made survival kits!  Filled with information on GLBTQ literature and films and tips on how to deal with and prevent bullying. The kits are sent to kids, parents, schools, anyone who needs help – and they’re free, so don’t be shy about calling to ask for one.

The Trevor Project needs volunteers to make survival kids, be lifeline counselors (you have to go through training), or answer Trevor Chat.  Trevor Chat is a new instant messaging program for anyone who might be too scared to call.  They’ve talked to kids as young as 9 who need counseling.

Trevor Survival Kit

Trevor took 33,000 calls last year, and intervened in a several suicide attempts.  If you have a friend or know someone who needs to talk please encourage them to call.

Life is rough but it would be so much less interesting without you around. Lots of people care and have been through something similar.  Please call 866-4-U-Trevor.

It gets so much better.

Dirty Kitty From Episode 64 Grows Up & Becomes "Chrissy"

Back in April, I had a dirty, starving kitten in a Frito Lays box shoved into my arms.  I didn’t really have a clue how I was going to find it a home. I didn’t have the time or resources. I just knew kitten rehab was required.

As usual the person who dropped the baby off assured me they would find it a home. Then they changed their cell number, hair color, and moved out of state.

Now I love cats. I love all animals, but I am at cat mass capacity – as I do not live on a farm. Yet.

So, I was stuck with rehabbed kitten, and my adult cats were getting tired of baby-sitting.  I feared one day I would walk into the apartment to see Frito kitten strung upside town over a tiny bonfire while my big cats roasted marshmallows over the embers of a newly delivered eviction notice.

To top off the tail – casting was about to start on my plays, and I was, in every way, about to become an absentee human. I had no time to raise a baby.

Thank God for Heaven On Earth Society for Animals.  My name and story was passed from animal loving friend to acquaintance until I was finally put in touch with Eri Kriteman, Heaven Founder, and Pamela Geisel, Sanctuary Manager.  I have, honestly, rarely or ever come in contact with such accommodating and kind animal non-profit workers. They jumped into action setting up an appointment with their vet for Frito kitten and then partnering with Much Love Animal Rescue to set up her eventual adoption.

If you’re in Southern California and want to volunteer with animals I HIGHLY RECOMMEND working with Heaven on Earth, and Much Love (or one of my all time favorites – The Lange Foundation).

Heaven keeps 70-80 cats at any given time at their no-kill shelter.  Most are special needs cats (older, physically challenged, etc.) The cats are fed, given quality medical care, and constantly loved on. Much Love works with younger animals prime for adoption – and thus Frito kitty would be adopted through them.

The long and short of the situation is I now cannot wait to visit the shelter and volunteer with the cats.  These groups jumped in to help me in the middle of kitten season (for the record, my old friends, the Lange Foundation also responded with an offer to help Heaven just got to me first). Their resources were stretched to the limit, but they took in kitten now dubbed “Chrissy” (happy picture attached) so that she could go to adoption events and find a home.

No doubt Chrissy found a great home.  I’ve never seen a kitten so young learn to beg by rubbing against legs.  She’s a swell kiss a*!.  My cats taught her well.

Director Scott & I celebrate 3 sold out shows!

For the kiddies starting back to school.

I didn’t do anything really major this summer. Nothing really.  Just went to Alaska to see my plays done in Valdez.  Then produced “The Reaper,” “Things Unsaid,” and “Sweet Nothings” with a star studded cast in the Hollywood Fringe Festival.  I worked with legendary actors Robert Pine, Peter Jason, Jane Heitz, and April Shawhan and soon to be legendary Scott Bloom, Catero Colbert, Nick Giordano, Taylor Treadwell, Dana Daurey, and Shay Astar.  I even had a Special Musical Guest Trey Green play with Jon Sosin! (Trey did owe me since I got practically naked in his music video, but I digress.) And then I…

GOT PUBLISHED!!!

Excitement abounds. Am crazy real playwright now like Wilde, Moliere, Williams, and, dare I say it, Shakespeare. Except… I’m alive! Completely [happy sigh]. Sorry, I was discussing? Oh yes…

Running from bear along Trans-Alaskan Pipeline

I also mean this to be an apology of sorts because I totally dropped the muse ball. Now that it’s fall I’m back on it and plan to work with the Trevor Project, Pablove, Heaven on Earth Society for Animals, and I’m doing a freakin polar bear jump within the year. Promise.

I would also like to say that I’m switching the mission of TheGoodMuse just a bit.  Instead of just looking for different kinds of groups to support (i.e. KidSave, TreePeople, FoodForward) I will now be working with groups who maybe have the same mission as another just different styles (Heavenly Creatures/Lange Foundation or Surfrider/Heal the Bay).

So send on your suggestions. Let’s see what ya got.

My friends found out (because I complained loudly to everyone) that I had jury service and so the question this week is:

Q: Why not write the jury service up as a Volunteer Journal?

A: Any activity in which you participate only to avoid jail time or a $1,500 fine does not count as volunteering.

The problem is the word volunteer which is defined by the lovely Merriam-Webster as one who renders a service or takes part in a transaction while having no legal concern or interest.

Juries would be better if they were stocked with volunteers, but short of making it a requirement for law students to graduate no one but a sadist would do it. Case closed.

This weeks question and answer brought to you by my friends who don’t want to be dragged to volunteer anymore.

Next Week we’ll discuss why men love thongs but hate Jane Austen…